What You Need to Hear After A Breakup But Most People Won't Tell You



First off, I am so, so sorry. Break ups are not an easy thing by any means. You might be wondering how to survive a break up? Or what to do after a break up? Or how to move on? Should you text your ex? These are all the questions I will help you answer in this post.

I want you to know it's natural to feel hurt and heartbroken and upset. Whatever you're feeling is perfectly normal and it's okay. And I'm not here to throw you a pity party or to tell you some cliché things like, "it's their loss" or "there are plenty of fish in the sea". That's what everyone else will tell you but that kind of stuff won't actually make you feel better, nor will it heal your broken heart. Getting over a break up is a process so let me walk you through how you're going to survive this break up and become stronger and better at the end.

Before we continue, bookmark this article because you'll want to come back to it over and over again until you're fully over your ex.

Day 1 - 3

I want to reiterate what I said earlier. Whatever you're feeling, whether it be sadness, anger or nothing at all, all of these feelings are okay. Everyone has a different defense and coping mechanism so don't beat yourself up for feeling however you're feeling. You've just lost arguably the most important person in your life and that's exactly what it is, it's a loss. Something (someone) is being taken away from you and that, plain and simple, hurts. You're a human being and you're allowed to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. But I also want you to know that it will be okay.

If you've ever been through a break up before, you know as much as I do that you won't be heartbroken for the rest of your life. I'm sorry, I lied earlier because here is one cliché thing I'll tell you: Time DOES heal all wounds. Try to focus on the fact that there will come a day when you won't be crying nonstop over this. I know that seems so surreal right now, but just know that today is the hardest day and every day after will only get easier.

I want you to give yourself at least a couple of days of full on feeling whatever you're feeling. Cry if you have to. Nonstop. And if you don't have much of an appetite and don't want to eat anything? Fuck it. Who needs food when your heart feels like it's been smashed into a thousand pieces anyway, right? And if you just want to lay in bed and not do anything all day? Go for it. You need this. You need every second of doing whatever the fuck it is that you want to do or not do because you just got your heart broken and that means you're exempt from being an adult for a bit.

 But you're only allowed 2-3 days max. And I'm letting you let yourself go for a couple of days under only ONE GOLDEN RULE: NO CONTACTING YOUR EX WHATSOEVER. Do you hear me? Delete their number, block them on Facebook, unfollow their Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat or whatever else you have to do to make sure you do not contact them. This won't be easy at all. In fact, you'll experience some painful withdrawal symptoms but that's why you're allowed to be a slob for the next couple of days because going cold turkey on your ex is one of the hardest things you'll have to do. Does this mean you guys will never ever talk again? No. But just listen to me when I tell you not to contact them right now. I'll let you know when you're allowed to talk to them again later in this article.

After you've gotten this out of your system, I want you back on your feet because we're going to kick this breakup's butt. If you're still in the first couple of days of your breakup, come back and read the rest of the article after day 3.


Day 3 - A  few weeks

Your ex is a jerk. I mean, seriously? How could they just drop it all so fast after everything you've been through together?! If you're feeling angry, you have every right to! Because fuck being dumped. But I've already given you 3 days to be a complete mess and that's already too much time to still be wasting on your ex so listen up because we are NOT wasting anymore time or energy being sad about someone that doesn't care enough to stay with you.

Was your ex awesome? Probably. That's why you were with them for so long and I don't want to minimize how important and influential they were in your life. I am SURE that they're a great person and you wouldn't have loved them as much as you did if they weren't. But the next couple of days or weeks isn't about them anymore. It's about you and feeling in control of your life again.

The first few weeks is crucial to setting the stage for what your life will be like moving forward but let's start small. I want you to start getting up out of bed at a reasonable time. Start getting back into a routine. Brush your teeth, change your clothes, go to school or work, eat, shower once a day, get enough sleep, talk to friends, family or whoever you need to give you motivation. Focus on getting these small daily tasks completed. Yes, they're small but they're a huge step in the right direction of taking control of your life again.

All these "small" accomplishments will make you feel productive and they'll make you feel good. It all adds up and before you know it, you'll have a somewhat normal routine again and you might even be able to laugh or smile again from time to time. You should be proud of yourself for doing all these things despite how you feel inside. It's a big deal and you're in the right direction and it will get easier. I promise.

When You Relapse and Want to Just Curl Up in a Corner and Cry and Maybe Call Your Ex Nonstop Until They Pick Up

I know it hurts. Trust me, I KNOW it hurts and it's just so hard to face this reality. It's such a big deal to lose someone and have to adopt new habits and routines. It's not easy at all. But I want you to wait as long as possible before texting or calling your ex. Why? Because the longer you wait to contact them, the more logical you'll be in what you say and the less likely you are to regret reaching out to them.

You're emotional right now. People always say to never make any big life decisions after a break up. Why? Because there are a bunch of hormones and chemicals surging through your body, trying to help you cope with this. You're not your normal self and you might regret whatever decisions you make right now later on.

You're already made it this far! Don't let all the self control and discipline out the window now by contacting them. You need space. They need space. You can't have a clear, logical conversation about what happened if neither of you have had time to think things through. Just try to hold off texting them for as long as humanly possible. Okay? You'll thank me for it later.

And while we're at it, if you go out drinking or partying, give your phone to your friend because I know how little self control I have when I'm drunk and I'm guilty of calling my ex about 17 times and leaving crying drunk voicemails. That's so humiliating. Don't let this happen to you. Give your phone to your friend or delete their number.


When You Absolutely Need to Talk to Them

Some people never want to talk to their ex again after a break up and that's perfectly fine. But a lot of people, including myself, end up with too many questions in their heads and we need some answers! But before you start blowing up your ex's phone, read what I have to say below.

Before you contact them, make sure you have a game plan. Why do you want to text or call them? Is it to try to win them back? Because you want to get back together? Is it to cuss them out and tell them hateful things? Is it to get closure? Think about what it is that you're trying to get out of this potential conversation.

Sometimes, we just want answers. Did the relationship mean anything to them? Is it really over? Is this something you could have worked out? Getting answers is perfectly fine and sometimes necessary to get over a break up. Be sure to be clear and direct in your messages. But remember, your goal is to get answers and not to drag on the conversation for no reason or to be mean. Get your answers and get out.

But maybe you want them back? I believe in second chances as much as anyone else so if you're trying to win them back, that's okay but be sure to read my article on getting back with an ex first. There's no point getting back together if you both keep doing the same thing. A wise person once said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Don't just jump back in to the same exact thing because you guys will inevitably break up again. Something needs to be different. Article on that coming soon!

If you're so angry that you want to just spurt hatred at them, don't. What does this actually do? Make you feel better temporarily? But will you feel good about yourself later? Why are you letting them win? Don't stoop this low. You're better than this. If you retaliate with hatred, then your ex will feel completely justified in breaking up with you. Is that what you want? For them to be glad and happy to be rid of you because you're bat shit crazy? No! You want them to regret that they ever broke up with you. How do you do that? By being mature, taking the higher road, focusing on yourself and becoming a better person. You're stronger than this. You're better than this.

After Contact (Or Not)

After you've finally broken contact with your ex (or not), there'll be several paths ahead. One is you move on and you accept that their chapter in your life has served it's purpose and it's time for a new chapter, another is getting back together. Either way, by now, you should have a new daily routine going and that should be easy as breathing air. It's time to start bulking up, so to speak.

It's time to reflect on what went wrong. It's easy to blame others for what happened but what did you do wrong? Could you have done anything different? Because you don't want to get into another relationship and repeat the same mistakes. Now is the time to reflect. If you need help trying to dissect your relationship and what went wrong, feel free to leave a comment below and I'll do my best to give you an analysis. I want to help you grow stronger and better!

It's also the time to think about what your hobbies are, what are your passions? This is an opportunity for you to really spoil yourself silly. What have you always wanted to do? Do that. Learn an instrument? Play a sport? Travel? Make new friends? Learn something new? The world is your oyster! Life is what you make it so write a list of everything that makes you happy and everything you've always wanted to do and start doing those things in addition to your daily routine. Life is amazing and every morning, you can choose to fill your life with happiness or with sadness. Focus on thinking about the amazing things in life and try to not think about any of the negative stuff.

You got this. :)