What He's Thinking When He Breaks Up With You

If you haven't heard of Matthew Hussey, he is a relationship coach who mostly focuses on women and how to help them "Get the Guy" (also the title of his book and his website).

During a radio show, a recently single woman calls in and asks

how to win her ex back.

Matthew gave some very real, de-sugared realities of what her ex was thinking when he broke up with her and how to win him back (or not).

The caller explains that her and her ex boyfriend were together for two and a half years and that her ex is approaching 30. She says that he cried hyterically the entire time he was breaking up with her to the point that it almost felt like she was the one comforting him. His reason was that he was having a hard time balancing the relationship and time with his family and friends and his own interests, that he'd been thinking about this for months and it was a really difficult thing to do because he cared about her so deeply. She thinks he made a mistake and wants to know what is the best way to win him back.

Matthew then tells her that he wants her to understand what her ex is thinking so she knows where to go from there.

He's thinking that he's almost 30 which is still fairly young but he is getting older.

Settling down with this one person at this time for the rest of my life seems like an awfully long time. 

What about all those other life experiences he could be missing out on? He has all these things he wants to do in life that he can't do with a partner. Or, he could do them by himself while in a relationship but he'd miss her a lot so why put himself through all this pain? Why not find a partner later on in life when he's ready?

He's confused and torn. Being the one doing the breakup is difficult because it's on his head if he misses out on something great. Did he make the wrong decision? It's almost impossible for him to know unless he tries something different. And yes, he does run the risk of potentially losing her to someone else in that time of trying to find himself but it's an important risk he wants to make.

If he stays and keeps going, he'll always wonder what the other thing was.

When he said it took him months to come to this decision, it shouldn't feel like a betrayal. Instead, it should be a testament to the relationship. It means he enjoyed the time together but he's terrified of what else is out there that he's missing out on. He's fearful he might be losing something important (the relationship) but he's also fearful of missing out on experiences in life. The crying and hysteria is fear.

If he does contact her, she needs to ask herself if he is reaching out of a place of love or selfishness. Is he trying to rebuild something or does he just want to feel reconnected temporarily to ease the pain and then he'll stop talking to her again? Every time contact is made, it re-opens the wound and inflicts pain all over again. The space and time in between and absence of conversation and interactions is crucial to healing.

It's possible to meet the right person at the wrong time so it's not her job to convince him to stay. It's her job to let him do his own thing, give him space to figure out what  is right for him. At the end of the day, it may be her and he'll come back or it might be something else. All she can do is to think about how many amazing experiences she's had with this one guy and that's just one guy. Think about how many amazing experiences she can have with all the other people in the world! There's a lot of life out there and she should go out and relish in it.

See the full video below. Hopefully it helps you as much as it helped me. x